Bringing Awkward to a Whole New Level

I met a friend for lunch today. He's a smart, handsome man with a great sense of humour who I absolutely adore. I always enjoy his company, usually a bit too much and a bit too long and this lunch was no exception. For some reason, probably because all I had was salad, albeit the tastiest and most expensive salad ever, the wine had gone to my head by the time I wandered back to my cubicle 2 hours later.

Fortunately I had finished all my work before I left so I answered a few personal e-mails and was surfing the internet when my boss came to my desk to say goodbye. She's taking holidays next week so I will never see her again. This meant I had to pretend I was sad and believed her when she said how much they were going to miss me. This is not entirely untrue, they probably will miss my work but my departure is nothing but a relief to her. Her underling and his banshee, two bratty bullies who manage to make most everyone miserable at some time or another, have been trying to get me fired for a year resulting in a lot of throw downs which I invariably win but are certainly not worth anyone's trouble by my estimation.

In any case she seemed to be at my desk for an interminably long time, suddenly wanting to be chatty or something, while I sat, terrified that my inebriated self might let loose with something akin to the truth. "Smile and nod, smile and nod", I thought, leaning back in my chair hoping she couldn't smell the wine. And then, with absolutely no prior warning or cues she lunged at me for a hug. Due to my alcohol delayed reaction time, and the angles-her standing with me seated- I managed to punch her in the chest while trying to ready my arms for reciprocation. She recoiled briefly but recovered almost instantaneously, completing the pass.  Some people, I thought to myself, are so awkward and by some people, I definitely meant her.*

(*sidebar: I love hugs. Just not attack tackle hugs... from her)


Standing in front of the eggs at the grocery store after work I ask the tall, stocky African fellow blocking my reach to excuse me. He turns, looks down, our eyes meet and he breaks into a beautiful knee knocking smile that sends my stomach somersaulting. I smile back. He watches me check my carton. I, in turn, watch him reach for another carton. "Those are no good," I say pointing to the wet corner. He grins at me again and I let out an involuntary and uncharacteristic giggle before heading to the spice aisle. I am still there when he saunters past me. We pass again by the tea and he's oh so gorgeous and he is most definitely smiling at little old me. But he doesn't say anything, just smiles, so I head to the checkout, with my favourite muslim clerk. I am all rung through when I remember the milk. "No problem" she says, so I take off at a run, right into my Egg Man. He's so tall my face is planted in his big broad chest. I am mortified. "Sorry!"

He is laughing. "That's okay" and I nearly knock down an old lady as I sidestep towards the dairy section, still smiling smittenly back at him.

I grab the milk and make a dash back to the check out. I spot my checkout clerk's hijab and see that Egg Man is next in line. "Sorry, sorry, " I apologize repeatedly as I push to the front of the line and stand next to him. "Sorry," I say again, smiling up at him.

He is grinning from ear to ear, "You're at that check out," he says pointing to the next checkout over. I glance over and see my groceries. My clerk is just helping her co-worker, not actually manning this cash register.

I throw my hands up then cover my face. He lets out a laugh that makes me feel I am the most adorable thing ever and I think all I want is to make him laugh like that forever. I feel prickly red heat rising to my cheeks. It's been so very many years since I've felt this way, palpitating and shy, it makes me keenly aware of every single mile in between. I am old. I am old and not at all adorable. I am some people and I am awkward. I scurry back to my proper place and collect my groceries.